Moments

So far gone, but I can't be gone. 

Empty but I have to be full...

Trying but always falling short. 

Smile anyways because no one else should know. 

Everything is fine, but it's not. 

Puppeteer? 

Actress?....then where is my award?..

Reality?...the lines get blurred 

Lost but not because the effort is not there. 

Who would know? The poker face is always on

Silently dying on the inside...again no one would ever know....that is until they needed something 

But hey, this is life right? We just deal with it....back to the poker face. 

Live to tell another story

First Lesbian Club...and Lovin it!!

My weekend escapade at Phase One was off the chain. I've never had so much fun ( and around lots of women ). Phase is definitely the place to be if your curious or just looking for a great time with other women.

I've always been attracted to other women, just never acted on the impulse. Ummm, I wonder why? Never mind that, the time for me is now and I believe I was finally in my element.

I even got some numbers!!!

I don't know if I'm ready to give up on men completely, but defiantly to me they're no good for relationship purposes maybe once in a while just for a booty call, but that's as far as I want to take it!

I'm trying not to think of men as these manipulating creatures but when you've been hurt for so long by them you tend to get a bad taste in your mouth.

Girls night out

Could it be????I wasn't every really "allowed" to have friends before, but now that I'm recently single, I have looked up all my real girlfriends from before him and we are all hooking up this Friday or Saturday.

Girls night out!!! (Whew) I need this.

So we have decided to go to this lesbian bar/club in DC..Some of you may know it. I believe it's called Phase One..I went online to get some review and they all checked out to be great. So that's the plan I am going to have the time of my life for the first time.

It even feels good to say that I chillin with my friends.

Where is the light?

Not sure what to do with my life now. So much time has past. I've been thinking about joining the Army. Shit with the way the economy is now, they seem to be the only organization that is offering me life long stability. That sounds good, but what about my children. The Army is unpredictable, although the benefits are endless. Paid education plus health care and terrific retirement plans.

I feel overwelmed with the need to DO something with my life before he gets out of prison. I can't believe that after all this time he is still on my mind. Maybe is more fear than anything but still..will he ever be out of my thoughts?

I'm not a stupid person, I can pretty much do anything. Maybe graphic design. I'm good with computers and love art. I'm great with people. (that sounds so redundant) Good with people, I couldn't even detect a Bi-polar maniac. The worst part of that is that I was in love with him. Anyhow, in a work setting a great with people.

(sigh) who am I kidding, I'm a 29 year old single mother just now starting over. I'm feel that I'm on a time limit. And that clock is ticking pretty damn fast. Will I ever be anything more than damaged goods?

I get a Do-over??

Coming from an abusive relationship to The Real World takes a lot of transitioning. I got too caught up in the "I thought it could never happen to me" crap that it did. For eight long years I was beaten and thought I would never have a normal life again. But God was on my side. That's what truly happened.
On day I got the call from the jail saying that he was being lock up. Great for right now but fuck me for later. But I can't think about later. I have to think about now. If I can only get my life together in a few short years I can truly be Free.
That's the hard part, as I'm finding out. When your "kept" by a man that believes that you are his property, your not allowed to work and get out there on your own so you can have your own things. After eight years of being "kept" no one in the workforce really wants to give you a chance. Not to mention I'm 29 with eight years of missing work history.
I've started working for my father and I am getting out there in this corporate world. People are starting to notice me. Well more like men...and well...I would want nothing more than to have fun with other men...but now I don't trust a fucking thing that they do or say. Will I ever get over this?

I'm finding myself analyzing everything they do thinking that it is some big ass conspiracy.

I do have faith that in my journey I will overcome. But there is a lot of obstacles in my way such as the way I feel about men in general now. WOW..I wonder if I will become a lesbian now..??

So if you care you can join me on my journey toward real life again with me.